Thursday, June 19, 2014

single one...

i hear it often…"you don't have any idea what God has in store for you".  and there is so much truth to these twelve little words.  dementia was never something i thought our family would be asked to wrestle with, but we have and we are.

there is a tender, bite-size topic i face & today i have an opinion which feels like it will last my lifetime.  singleness.  spending the remainder of my life without a mate at my side.  and you want to know a little secret?  i am okay with that.  it seems the world gives the message that in order to be complete, one must have a mate.  and i did.  and he was amazing.  like over the top-take me on exotic getaways & give me a new car over lunch & throw an amazing, surprise 4-0 birthday bash {11 months after my birthday-but that's a different blog post}-kind of marriage.  and those memories make me feel complete in my aloneness.

marriage is sometimes like a romance novel, but it is equal parts messy.  if you are taking it seriously, it quickly becomes complicated.  and when hearts are involved, being deliberate and intentional are essential for healthy relations to take root and grow into something beautiful.  and true beauty comes over time, years of nurturing and investing, while letting go of "me" for the sake of "us".  and maybe what remains of "me" is enough.  in fact, better than enough.

my marriage was like a few bites of decadent, chocolate cake, so rich & satisfying that it doesn't leave me craving the entire cake or even another slice.  instead it lingers in my mind as the most delightful dessert ever-just a warm memory of delectable chocolate-y goodness. that's what my marriage feels like-satisfyingly rich.

and maybe that is why i am okay with singleness.  my marriage:  it didn't break.  it didn't wander into another's arms.  it didn't busy itself with work & children.  it started our small. a promise over two slender, gold bands that grew & was nurtured by two people that deeply loved & respected one another.  it grew with children & making traditions that will linger through generations.  together we found faith & God & church.  its roots stretched themselves deep into the soil of our family.  and while i stand without him at my side, i feel complete.

and those nay-sayers are right, i have no idea what God has planned & i don't begin to understand His ways.  but my marriage cake has filled my longing and "me" feels like enough.

1 comment:

  1. I love your heart !! And I am so happy you had such a wonderful cake and you celebrated such a happy marriage for so many years ! A dream that most people wish for and it was yours...its still yours just a different flavor that you would have never chose. But you are finding the joy and deliciousness
    You amaze me