Friday, June 13, 2014

father's day…



the days have gotten all hot & sticky in my mind.  one melding into another like gummy bears left on the blazing summer sidewalk.  a rainbow of juicy colors.  identifying one single bear is impossible in the rainbow messy of the heat.  the red of dementia is intertwined with the orange of sweet brown eyes moving up to middle school interwoven with the green of pjm jr. graduating from college this weekend. and it all becomes convoluted by the yellow of father's day.  my emotions are just this sticky gel of joy-sorrow-pride-longing.

i am struggling with picking apart the gradient of this rainbow.  what fraction of all of this is dementia.  how do i find the percentage of grieving red when there should be overwhelming joy in the culmination of orange & green.  and yellow screams at me that it is fading faster than all of the other colors.  and i want to scream back at father's day that we did not have enough.  never enough.  time is of limited quantity & invaluable.  and i can't sell back all that is dear to have him returned to us.  how i long for the wit & wisdom of the father of our children.

but he taught them {and me} to be brave & bold.  and to forget about the numbers and do that which you are most passionate about and it will be rewarded.  to love your marriage and squeeze it tighter than your children even when you would rather lay on the nursery floor in anger at him falling short of your expectations. grasp each day as if it were your last and pack so much living into those 16 hours ahead. when done right,  every cell of your being will scream for a restful night.  talk to strangers & make them friends even if only for those few moments in the starbucks line.  each encounter has a nugget of wisdom that will make your soul richer.

happy father's day pjm.
longing to have you at my side as we celebrate our children's successes.
your heart would burst with pride-mine is.
i pray somewhere in all of that dementia, you know you are an amazing dad.
each of your children is evidence of both your boldness & bravery.
love.
me
p.s.  cheers over a g&t with a lime

1 comment:

  1. Sorry for this tug of war with your emotions. Some days are better than others and celebrate the good ones. You see the wisdom through it all and God is right beside you as your rock....me too. Happy Father's Day to such an incredible mother who continues to be everything to her wonderful kids!

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