Monday, April 21, 2014

that which frightens me...

i found an old journal yesterday.  the one when we were treating pjm for lymes disease.  the words were so honest and desperate for God to cure my husband and restore his ability to work and provide for our family winning back that equilibrium we had taken for granted.

we are naturally afraid of two things.  loud noise and falling.  and 2 timothy 1:7 says "fear is not from God" so all of those fears i was wrestling with were ones i had chosen to praise above God.

i would spend hours at night when sleep was on the agenda, but instead, wrote endless prayers begging God to fix pjm so i didn't have to be afraid anymore.  i wanted the fix more than i wanted to trust God.  or maybe the only way i could see His provision was for God to relax my grip on all that I was clutching so tight.

and God has provided through all of this mess, yet i still find myself awake at midnight turning over the many game pieces of my life wondering which cards i will be dealt and when.  and none of those pleading for my attention involve noise or falling.  i have yet to unlearn my fear and wonder if i will ever be content with God's grace in the middle of our demented moments.

1 comment:

  1. And that is why you have Him in your life because He can and will do for you/me if we let Him!