Monday, April 21, 2014

that which frightens me...

i found an old journal yesterday.  the one when we were treating pjm for lymes disease.  the words were so honest and desperate for God to cure my husband and restore his ability to work and provide for our family winning back that equilibrium we had taken for granted.

we are naturally afraid of two things.  loud noise and falling.  and 2 timothy 1:7 says "fear is not from God" so all of those fears i was wrestling with were ones i had chosen to praise above God.

i would spend hours at night when sleep was on the agenda, but instead, wrote endless prayers begging God to fix pjm so i didn't have to be afraid anymore.  i wanted the fix more than i wanted to trust God.  or maybe the only way i could see His provision was for God to relax my grip on all that I was clutching so tight.

and God has provided through all of this mess, yet i still find myself awake at midnight turning over the many game pieces of my life wondering which cards i will be dealt and when.  and none of those pleading for my attention involve noise or falling.  i have yet to unlearn my fear and wonder if i will ever be content with God's grace in the middle of our demented moments.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

the new man in my life...

rex wandered into our lives at a local feed store.  yes, we live in a little slice of country where there is a feed store just over the bridge from home.  right there. hanging on the bulletin board out front was a notice.  i pulled off one of the tabs and tucked it into my pocket.  after a day of contemplation, i worked up the nerve to call & he wanted to meet just a few hours later.  his baby blues captivated me from the moment we locked eyes.

and after a week with this pup, i realize so much about life-loss-love and pjm.  i was unaware before rex arrived, how much of a hole had been left right there in the center of me.  somehow this pup fills some of the void in pjm's absence.  crazy, right?  and as our family hopefully grows with more grandchildren and regardless of how full my life will become, there will always be a hole where pjm lived.  and i cherish that hole he has left because it is part of my story.  part of who i am.  it has grown me deep & rich.  the loss has made all of my blessings i do have so dear.  and i realize i am okay even though i no longer have him at my side.  and okay is a good.

dear pjm.
you once said when a man loses his wife,
he just needs to get a good dog to help him get over the grief.
and it's just another thing you were right about.
love you.

dear rex.
thanks for filling some of that hole pjm left behind.
i thought it was entirely impossible to love a dog so much,
but you, my friend, have stolen my heart.
thanks for sleeping all night 
and being quick to learn the proper place to pee & poop.
smitten by blue-eyed rex

and if you want to see more of rex,  follow me on instagram or #blueeyedrex.
promise.  he is ADORABLE. 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

anatomy of a promise.

the other morning at the gym, i gave a hearty hug to tony, pjm's old trainer.  this gentle, muscle-bound, superhero patiently workout with my pjm twice a week while i was given the privilege {and torture} of training with a girl i've known for years.

a few weeks ago tony learned his wife has cancer.  he struggles to focus on anything but his wife and her health and the HUGE ASS question marks in their future.  as you enter the gym, there is a poster with their wedding photo announcing a benefit golf tournament to help with medical expenses.

i said to him, "wedding promises are so easy to make but sometimes so messy to live".  i made promises twenty-seven years ago to honoring health, wealth and "happily every after". yes, there was also that snippet of sick, poor & death; but i was young & overjoyed by our love & above all an eternal optimist.  in my innocence, i trusted those gold bands we slipped on each other's fingers to hold powers of kryptonite warding off illness, infertility, infidelity and any other negative circumstances a marriage could encounter.

a promise is given life only when it is tested by harsh circumstances.  in the middle of this dementia-filled season, i have learned i am a promise keeper.

dear pjm.
i promised but i never expected for you to test my "keeping" abilities like this.
i wish you hadn't but my soul is content in knowing i am at your side,
even when you don't.
all my love-

dear God.
You are the Promisekeeper.
and Your word says You are always with me .
in the middle of this messy life,
You continue to provide me with what we need as a family.
thank you for the multitude of blessings in this season.