Monday, March 17, 2014

workin' it...

i often play these crazy mind games.  i wonder when this season will come to an end.  how long will pjm live. i just want a rough timeline of how this disease is going to play out in our family.  in my head it seems it would help me plan some parts of my life a bit better. and i ask God too often if he could give me a clue.  point me in the right direction of knowing not so much where we are headed as a family but like when we will be headed to that next chapter.  all a bit morbid as my fingers dance over the keyboard, but honest.  i ponder our lack of a timeline at least 6.2 times a day and more times in the pitch black of night.

and then i do this other thing...i make hard choices and tackle challenges without him.  and after each achievement, i award myself a merit badge & sew it on an invisible vest i wear over my heart.  i have earned several merit badges in the past year.  for example the badge called "tell the banker it is none of his business why my husband cannot sign the loan documents-his executed power of attorney should be the answer to all your insensitive questions".  or the hard earned "put the thirteen year old family dog to sleep {like forever} because the vet said he needs two surgeries totaling $2,000 {and it had already cost me $426 for the diagnosis}".   or maybe the honor badge for reading the boys body book with sweet brown eyes after noticing dark hair not on his head.  lots of grown up actions pjm used to handle with ease, while i raised children & baked cookies & took all that "ease" for granted.  after each scouting badge i ceremoniously place on that invisible vest i look up to God, believing heaven is floating up above me, i ask "am i done now?  have i earned/learned enough yet?  was this the one more thing i need to master before You answer THAT prayer?"  i know.  it's crazy, but i told you that upfront. However, God doesn't work like that.  He doesn't have a big checklist with "chrissy" scribbled at the top.  He isn't waiting for me to complete all these big & scary tasks in order to prove to Him-me, i am capable and competent to handle life on my own.  but in my heart, it feels like that.  like i am attempting to earn pjm's way to heaven.

but then i remember God, my God, is not a God of works.  i don't have to perform this perfectly orchestrated dementia dance in order for Him to hear my prayers or wants.  He hears.  He just hasn't answered them.  and when He doesn't answer i begin to doubt He can hear me.  i doubt my importance as His child. i doubt this season will end.  and while i sit in a pot of doubts, i remain devoted to Him.

The Florkens
"mr thomas & me" & "the florkens" share their doubts & devotion each sunday.

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