Friday, March 21, 2014

abraham & isaac

i don't often write about specific bible stories because i am not a scholar of the bible...or anything actually.  so i am nervous to write this. i am afraid my unscholarlyness will show. someone will read the words and my understanding of the story and tell me i have it all wrong.  but it is the way my heart has heard this story.  and today it is okay with me that my heart has heard it this way.  and so i share.

in gensis 22 God asks abraham to sacrifice his son isaac.  and abraham obeys.  he takes his son up on a mountain and is going to offer him as a sacrifice-like kill his own son right there on that mountain top.  but at the very last moment, a ram appears in a bush.  the ram is isaac's replacement and is killed instead. abraham was obedient to God and He provided. and with humble reverence, abraham thanked the Lord for providing a ram in place of his son.

as a family, we have given generously of our time & resources.  quite frankly, it was easy being charitable.  we gave and God always provided.  and i never questioned where the finances came from-pjm, of course, and his astute business sense coupled with his work ethic.  through pjm, the God always provided.  honestly, the giving was easy.  it did not require great sacrifice on us as a family.  yes, pjm went to the philippines for three weeks to build a medical center and yes, i missed him and managed the home alone, but it was not a huge sacrifice.  we have sponsored numerous aid efforts, but not at the cost of feeling any discomfort at home.  none of this giving felt like a all.

but then in '09 when pjm was first diagnosed with substantial cognitive impairment, i turned to God.  moment by moment asking him to change this plan.  and there were many doctors advising me that it was depression, an autoimmune disease, a thyroid issue, vitamin deficiency. and i clung to those threads of hope, believing God would not take my husband-father of our children-president of a handful of companies.  i believed God would send a ram to be pjm's replacement just as he had done for isaac. i believed he would not allow my husband to continue to lose his ability to think & care for himself.  i believed at the very last moment, pjm would be healed.  i believed people would look at our situation as a medical miracle with pjm back doing what he did so well-working & providing for his family and employees.  i believed we were called to walk this difficult "medical" mountain because when we got to the peak, God would provide a ram in place of pjm.  i believed pjm was my isaac, but instead he is my ram.

and i scream at God to change all of this.  i am not brave enough, strong enough, wise enough to handle the loss of my husband.  please God, choose another family that can walk this path better than i can.  choose another family more christian than mine & has memorized the Bible back to front.  please God, chose a man that is an ass to his wife and loathes his children.  please God, chose a wife that hates her husband's existence and stays married because it is easier than divorce.  please God, chose someone who is old & doesn't have a family depending on his working hands.  please God, not me.  not this sacrifice.  not my husband.

i am sure those were the very same words abraham struggled with as he hiked up that mountain with his only son. and i sit in the middle of sick and loss and sad and still cling to the words that He will provide.  no, not like i had thought or prayed. but i know His words are truth & He will provide.  and i am learning this is what claiming to be a follower of Christ is about.  when life goes sideways, He still hears my utterances and sees my tears and knows i am so damn afraid.  and i give thanks for all He has provided.


  1. What a beautiful and honest reflection of your heart. The hardest part of my walk with the Lord is the unknown...but I found comfort in your reminder about Abraham and Isaac.

    1. thanks JJ...and i so appreciate you stopping by. i read & giggle with you from afar. just a bit shy about commenting. and the hardest is the so many unknowns & i am the "if you give a moose a muffin" kind of girl and once i start pondering/panicking over one, it leads to another & another.