Tuesday, January 28, 2014

obsession on a grand scale...

i have become obsessed with the scale.  checking it once or twice a week based on how the balance of my life unfolds.  it sits behind that door.  i grip the knob while tossing up a quiet "please Jesus" that the door is unlocked so i can privately assess this week's damage.  when it is locked, i must ask someone for a key which then could unveil my compulsion.  my preoccupation with weigh is a secret.  if others knew how i allowed that digital readout to controlled my life, the preposterousness of my actions could be called into question.  and questions force answers i don't have.

this is what it read yesterday...

an all time low.  it stuns & comforts me to see those numbers in that order.  twelve short months ago it boldly shouted 184.  how did the 4 and 8 trade places with no effort made on his part?  how does a man consume massive quantities of food, yet drop 36 pounds? more questions void of explanations other than "that's the course of the disease".  

dear scale.
love the digital readout & the beep that signals the correct weight.
that ramp for those wheelchaired bound folks causes pjm to stumble now and again,
but i find comfort in that decimal pointed numeral.
it provides me with a nonsensical assessment of pjm
and how this disease is treating {or mistreating} him.
 a concrete gage to which i can compare now to back then.
but you also beg the tough question to which i truthfully don't want the answer.
how low can you go?
troubled by poundage

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