Monday, November 18, 2013

thanks{giving} #6...saying no to church

sunday mornings are a struggle in this home.  sweet brown eyes wants to go to "that" church.  me wants to stay in the warmth of MY home and hide from all those churchy folks.  but when i guilt myself into going to church {which is ALWAYS where Christ wants my heart}, i go to the "other" church.  the place where we attended and served for years. the place where pjm & i were baptized and the olders attended sunday school and youth group.  in the dark of worship & the light of teaching, it feels like home for my soul. but all the rest of church is a mental free-for-all.

buying that donut on the way to class.  checking sweet brown eyes into sunday school.  walking {alone} in to the sanctuary.  sitting in the general vicinity of where "we" sat.  singing {off key} to God who is mighty-loving-merciful.  soaking in the lesson given by the familiar voice of my pastor. fetching sweet brown eyes. all of that is the struggle & that's why i do "church" home with my laptop and last week's message.  in my cozy bed wearing flannels.
just me.  bible.  pen.  and God.
somehow, church makes my feel {exceptionally} vulnerable.  closer to God and His ways.  when i feel vulnerable, i {ugly}cry.  i cry ugly because i am lost without him in the chair next to me.  i cry ugly because he is so sick but his body cannot let go.  i cry ugly because i am learning my ways are nothing like His ways.  i cry mercy for God to make it all better {my better, not His}.  i cry for peace & rest in the middle of all of the scary shit going on right here.  right now.

i don't do church well right now.  but i think God knows that.  and i know my faith and our relationship are not based upon my checking off boxes each week to prove i am a following and believing in Him.  no, it was that promise forever ago that i made, and keep making in the dark of this season that says i will trust and follow the end even if it doesn't lead me into a church every sunday morning.

dear church.
i cannot do you right now.
life is vulnerable for me & when i feel vulnerable, i {ugly}cry.
 and all the tasks it takes for me to be sitting in a chair inside you
is overwhelming because of all that is so familiar, yet i am walking it alone-without pjm.
i thanks{giving} your messages are online.
i am blessed & strengthened by them,
but still am not strong enough to tackle you without him.
MIA member

dear God.
thanks{giving} for your grace.
i need not feel guilty for not visiting "your house" on sunday.
when truly you are here with me in my home. each moment. every day.
watching me in the darkest of night & brightness of days.
love & faithfulness.
dweller in the house of the Lord 

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