Thursday, October 24, 2013

the eyes have it...

my boys.  just a few years back on Christmas morning.
{can you believe they would sport matching pjs for me!  they rock...truly.}
pjm...see his casual smile & the way he is looking right into the camera...
as if he can see my very soul behind the lens.
those eyes.  cerulean, like an ocean in the tropics.
 they captivated me so many years ago.
a brief encounter at the entrance of the restrooms at a bar
which abruptly turned to dating-engaging-marrying-parenting &
lovely memory making brimming with adventure
but those "blues" of his were my initial attention grabber.

as our years together grew, i found refuge in those eyes
knowing they would seek me-protect me-love me-honor me.

but then "that" began to happened.
and it's erasing all that lies beneath those eyes of his.
now he sees thru me-past me-or not me at all.

i have a sick yearning to document what "that" continues to steal from us. 
he is literally disappearing before my very eyes,
and i resent the sea of vacancy i see in his.
i can no longer capture his mischief-humor-drive-love for me & life
because somehow a disease has eroded away that deep blue,
leaving depthless blue-grays that have forgotten so much...of me & us.

dear baby blues-
when & where did you wander off to?
i long for you to know without a doubt who i am.
for you to identify me in a room abundant with people.
for you to reassure me when i lack confidence.
for you to stare sternly at sweet brown eyes when his pre-teen sass erupts.
for you to compute & calculate & make financial decisions
but your depth has been replaced with empty, shallow indifference.
your vacantness leaves me blue.
sad over you

dear jpl-
you are a rascal of a boy...just like your gramps.
you {his 5th grandchild} not only own his name but rock those darn baby blues.
thanks for reminding me of life & love in the depth of all the loss.
love you-
nana c 

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