Friday, September 6, 2013

practical{ly} coping

People tell me I am so strong as I travel this path with pjm.  First, I must admit this was never a path I would have chosen to walk down but I promised him & Him I would honor my marriage in sick & health.  Second,  I am not sure what my other options are.  It isn't like a multiple choice test and I can pick A through D or that all-time favorite “E-none of the above”.  How fabulous would that be!  Oh God, actually I would like choice “C” which reads “happy & healthy until you two are 89 and 100 years old” instead of choice D…which of course reads “dementia”.  Just re-bubble in the answer on the scantron of my life.

Along with those age old "de-stressors" like eating right, exercising three times a week for at least 30 minutes, staying away from too much caffeine, and taking deep-cleansing breaths: three things help me cope.

1. Do something. ANYTHING.  The longer I sit & fester the scary my thoughts can become.  We live on 2 ½ acres & I have taken to mulching all the planters.  Crazy I know, but it keeps me busy.  So far I have loaded, unloaded, dumped and spread over 100-56 pound bags of mulch and all my planters aren't full yet!  Yes, there are more productive ways to spread mulch I am positive, but that's what works for me so that’s how I do it. It's more comfortable to just sit on the couch or in bed and stew about the twists and turns life takes, but physically doing something shifts my focus away from the crazy what ifs and after countless bags of mulch, I can take a step back and see the progress I have made.  
{it's kind of like rolling out the red carpet but in my, love, love}
 2. Counseling.  Go to therapy.  Seek a professional.  Friends are fabulous & the back bone of my support system but I realized I was stuck in all of the gloom. I needed a professional to help wade through the shitty parts of life.  Sometimes friends just like to stand in the shit with you which is what I want my friends to do-to stand in the gap and hold my hand while I wrestle with dementia & loss. But, honestly after a short time, I don't like being stuck knee deep in shit.  It stinks & flies love shit & I hate flies.  So I march myself therapy to learn new strategies on how to deal and grieve and step away from the shit pile.  

3. Medication.  Yep.  Some will raise an eyebrow at this one but there are nights when I board that crazy train and just can't get the conductor to press on the brakes!  Yes, I pray for calm & peace & plain old sleep but more often than I would like to admit...hours of restful shut-eye eludes me.  I talked to my doctor and she gave me a mild anti-anxiety pill to take on those nights.  Works like a charm. Take it & 20 minutes later I am sound asleep and wake in the morning ready to spread more mulch.
{please disregard the chipped nail polish-mulch has the potential to make a manicure messy}

dear mulch.
you look fabulous-so woody and brown.
thanks for making my planters rock.
i need more of you but it has been to damn hot as of late.

dear counselor.
thanks for shooing away the flies I abhor
while teaching me how to waddle out of all the crazy shit.
you are amazing at assisting in sifting thru worries vs. reality
and you never laugh or roll your eyes at my angst.
i would if i were you.
glad you are a heck of a lot more mature than me.

dear xanax.
you are a true friend in this season.
when the messy, out-loud life gets scary in the pitch of night,
you allow sleep till dawn.
the crazy, out-loud mess doesn't feel as daunting after a night of rest 
the morning light overtakes whats dark & scary.

dear God.
thanks for mulch, therapy and drugs.
they are true travel companions when life gets turbulent & days are steep
& I am knee deep in shit.
could you work out that thing with the flies?
they are truly annoying.
or perhaps it is Your way of pushing me to step out of the shit &
into your grace-strength-provision.

disliker of shit & flies

p.s.  I am not fond of that thing called dementia either


  1. Dear God you're funny in spite of shit, flies and dementia! Mulch is definitely good for you my friend! Who knew?


    1. oh friend. thanks. glad you could make a comment. i asked ams and she said its a glitch on your end! and i like hummingbirds, even though they are almost as small as flies. love you!