Tuesday, September 24, 2013

growing wings...

i'm kissing summer good-bye & praying the crisp cool of autumn is soon upon us so i can reacquaint myself to my jeans & scarves and unaquaint myself with my good ole air conditioner.  but i realize the official farewell to summer means i must embrace a new season.  one rich with traditions & celebrations-birthdays {his-his daughters-mine}, holidays {from our annual halloween bash-florida turkey fry-his family's annual christmas gathering-the making of gingerbread shacks & homemade tamales which are all abruptly followed by our 27th wedding anniversary}.  i want to hide-retreat-cocoon from all that reminds me that life is moving on & yet i am not because i am stranded somewhere between life and death with pjm.  it feels like i am a victim of my own midlife crisis-about to turn 50 in a season of impending change.

waiting.  while God transforms.  just as a caterpillar is blanketed in a protective cocoon while it reconstructs itself into a butterfly,  i am enveloped in this season of transformation.  growing my soul cannot happen swiftly or without pain in the dark of night.  i resent God for not accomplishing His task in me & pjm double-quick. our culture demands it fast-trains traveling like supersonic bullets, glue adhering immediately, nail polish drying instantly, espresso providing a quick-fire afternoon pick-me-up, and fast meals served out of a window into our autos.  God works at His pace. many in the bible were stuck in seasons of waiting, and it is in the wait that God's deepest soul growing occurs.  my heart flows with contempt admitting this.  it forces me to realize there is more growing for me to accomplish.  like damn it God.  am i not a big enough girl already?  but if i have to ask, the answer begets itself...obviously, no. there is deeper soul growing He needs to complete in my impatient ass.

while that caterpillar is within that cocoon, it turns to liquid and then somehow gels itself in to a stunning butterfly. imagine popping open that chrysalis & liquidy caterbutterpillarfly dripping out.  a halt in nature-not allowing what was purposely started to reach its full potential.  i, too, am swathed in an envelope of protection while God does his transforming work in me.  every cell in my body wants to bust open that silky cocoon and announce this girl is DONE already, but instead i must find a pause-moment of still and refocus my trust back on God and his perfect timing.  science says the ugliest of cocoons, reveal the most beautiful of butterflies.  this cocoon of dementia & death are pretty damn ugly.

dear cocoon.
i appreciate your protection during this transformation.
i love that i can meander through life,
instead of being hung in a silk bag by my feet from the branch of a tree.
i am thrilled your invisible silk pouch is one of great strength,
containing this wild-hearted, impatient-assed girl.
i would hate to slash you with my restlessness
 and ooze out drippy wife of demented dying man all over my carpet.

butterfly in the making

p.s.  moths come from cocoons too.  
please don't let me spend the balance of my life swarming around a stranger's porch light.
do these wings make my impatient ass look big-or perhaps it's because of the white shorts after labor day?
actually-who the hell cares.  not i said the butterfly.


  1. So now I can comment! Another brilliant analogy my friend. So much to ponder and it makes me think that maybe this "cocoon of pain" and transforming period is for others to observe and use for good. You have been a tremendous example of someone who has chosen to do everything possible for her husband who sadly didn't get to have the happily ever after you both signed up for. You ooze love and kindness when you are weary over caring 24/7 for the man of her dreams. You keep on giving of yourself to all around you as a mother and friend when maybe you would like to stay in bed and have a good cry or bottle of wine to numb the pain. God is showing others you are an angel here on earth sweet Chris!!
    You are pure joy and not alone in this journey and have a small butt and beautiful wings~

  2. I don't understand the whole comment issue! Yes, have done so much for pjm during this past 4 years but it is honoring all he did for me and our precious children-kind of like a trade. And you my friend have been such a support in the middle of our family transformation. Love you Gwy.