Wednesday, August 21, 2013

back to my snarky self

i breathed a big sign of relief when my alarm woke me at 5:50 & there sat the read "monday" and below that was a joyfull & bold "12" .  it marked the end of 30 days.  i made a promise to abstain from snark for a month.  i did it.  sort of.  except for the text messages i sent one sunday regarding overzealous soccer parents or the photo i snapped & forwarded, with a snarky caption, regarding a certain fashion decision a woman {older than me!} decided to wear in public.  i, on the other hand, couldn't fathom entering that store that rhymes with "bedricks of ballywood" and purchasing said item and then wearing it not in the privacy of my bedroom but to the freaking mall that was bursting at the seams with back to school shoppers.  even someone's sweet brown eyes rolled over said fashion choice.  perhaps, that snide remark regarding the tourist proudly sporting his stripped micro-speedo poolside fell somewhere outside the boundaries as well.

my "fast" from the witty sarcasm i so love to innocently dish out to amuse friends & family {& myself} proved challenging.  somedays i wondered what the heck i would have to talk share.  how stinking shallow of me, right?  oh perhaps not.  while on snark-battical, i realized i missed the laughter-both mine & theirs. it not only creates a bond but is also softens the edges of my dementia filled world.  you see, there is so much i have to manage for pjm-like things you would never think of until you actually starring down the barrel of demented.  yes, he is not living at home & that makes daily life easier & home has returned to its predictable calm, but there are cumbersome conversations with staff & caregivers & doctors. organizing & keeping track of his personal items & grooming {have you ever thought of taking an adult who can't converse or sit still to get a public!} my visits are constant reminders we are losing a battle & the spoils of the war are the love of my life.

and that is where the humor {albeit snarky} allows me to backup & find laughter, even joy, in my demented grind.  i consciously decided numerous times in a single day to either laugh in this season of sad {and yes, it is done with sarcasm quite often} or i can allow the burden of dementia to press all of the joy of life out of me.

dear snark,
i missed you while you were on your little vacay.
glad we are back & so are some friends of mine.
perhaps one of the best things is you are like riding a bike
muscle memory...once the 30 days was over,
my brain kicked right back into that old snarky groove.
i know sometimes you are bitchy-pointed-peircing
but you help me cope with the loss-hurt-empty
& that's way better than hiding my sorrow-filled ass in bed all day!
yes, dementia will take down pjm, but i will be dammed if it will crush me in the process.
smart ass me

p.s.  i am now in the middle of 30 days of prayer 
{yeah, and y'all are probably thinking i best start with a long prayer for my sarcastic self}

1 comment:

  1. Congrats on getting through (with a couple exceptions) 30 days of snarklessness (is that a word?)
    I did give up chocolate or rather put myself on chocolate restriction for a year a while back. I must admit that I did have an exception, I allowed myself hot cocoa occasionally :)
    Still I did make it through the year without chocolate and did not die.
    But come January 1st of the following year, I had the most delicious Snickers bar that ever was.