Thursday, January 17, 2013

two weeks later...

so we had a baby once...for 4 days and then her birth mom decided she didn't want to give her up for adoption after all.  i was devastated.  deny me a baby but don't give me one and then take it away.

every morning i would wake forming a scenario in my head that would reunite me with sweet hallie ree.  each night i would slip into a fitful slumber dreaming of holding that innocent baby again.  pjm was a very practical man when it came to emotions.  on the two week anniversary of hallie leaving our home, he announced it was time for me to move on-get over it-stop plotting to drive to el cajon and steal that baby back-and most of all to stop all of the blubbering.  shed no more tears he commanded.  not a single drop of saline was going to bring that baby girl back.  and i listened to him & i learned to move on in spite of that sad scar on my heart.

today is another two week mark.  there are moments i am not sure how i have made it 14 days with peter living at the "gardens".  each morning i gather myself & navigate the day knowing pjm is learning a new life while forgetting how to live.  each night i rest my head praying i sleep restfully without him at my side.  i can hear his words echoing in my head "chrissy, you are missing so much of life's beauty. those sobs distort God's joy.  wipe your tears & snotty nose.  yes, there have been a couple of major bumps this past two weeks but we made it.  God's got this.  you-me-our children."

and i realize letting go of baby hallie was followed by the miracle of jeremiah.  i have no idea where God is headed with this very painful challenge of dementia and i realize the miracle is not going to be for peter to be healed here on earth.  but what resonates in my heart is our family continues to trust, love and find strength in God even though He chose not to heal peter.  and that's the continue to trust His goodness in the middle of dementia.

and pjm...hope you and marv are rocking the "gardens" tonight!  marv is a 65 year old early onset resident just like pjm.  looks like someone else won the wrong lottery, not just us.

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