Thursday, December 27, 2012

happy anniversary dear one.

good morning handsome-
look at us!  i was a babe of 23.  no wonder my mom was skeptical.  that and the fact that you were 34 & had two young daughters!  but we did it.  we beat the marriage odds.  statistics say our marriage was doomed from its inception.  a young college student meets an almost divorced dad in a bar &
 live happily ever after-even disney can't write this fairytale!

i long to talk with you & have you understand my words-thoughts-gamut of emotions,but you continue to slowly fad away a sliver at a time before our very eyes.  for better or worse, in sickness and in health .  i naively promised this to you 26 years ago.  i have learned to live those words these past few years & while i hate what this disease has done to you-us-our family, i  have never regretted making that commitment to stand by you in affliction & adversity.

  i am still certain i had signed up for the 50 year plan, but is seems our Father has a different design.
i realize to truly love is to be willing to let go.  i love you.  i miss you.  thank you for a beautiful family.

your devoted wife.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

all i want for christmas is you...

a couple of months ago, our pastor was giving a sermon on worship music.
he was explaining how many of today's secular songs can be turned to worship songs.
if you take the message the artist is singing about or to &
turn the words to Christ instead.
this works.  i get it most of the time.  "red solo cup" and "pontoon" don't necessarily work,
put i understood his point.
i love Christmas.
the taste of peppermint bark-the smell of pine-the touch of new flannel pjs & the chill in the air-
the sight of all that sparkles-the sound of Christmas tunes.
today while i driving, i was listening to "all i want for Christmas is you"
it brought tears {there have been lots of those this month}
because peter continues to move quickly in his dementia
and it leaves me wondering how our family will look in a year.
here are some of the words to the song...
"I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas is
You... yeah"
and i just kept thinking all i want for Christmas is my old husband back.
that sarcastic, business suave, love of my life...just you pjm.
he is the one thing i truly need this Christmas.
 but my head knows that is impossible-never going to happen.

i think back to the sermon & try to imagine me singing those words to Christ.
all i want for Christmas is you God.
i just want You for my very own.

honestly.  that doesn't work.  i truly want my pjm back.
big & bold as always.

i pray.
dear God.
help me understand the un-understandable.
give me calm in the chaos.
grant me peace in this season {that is supposed} fill with joy.
let my tears stop.  my mascara is not waterproof.

a quiet answer from Him.  a change in perspective.
i am not singing this song of worship to God.
He is singing to me.
this is how the verse goes.

"mama bird, I don't want a lot for Christmas
there is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
underneath your Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
more than you, mama bird, could ever know
make my wish come true...
all I want for Christmas is
you, mama bird... yeah"

can i make His wish come true?
can i stop focusing on me & my loss & my wants
and find the joy of Christ in this season
by simply being His very own with all of my hurts & heart?

Thursday, December 6, 2012

when life doesn't suck...

so we have had a troublesome relationship with a rodent as of late.
my friendly exterminator took pity {and some cash}, and abruptly ended the rodent relations.
i am being quite vulnerable to confess we had a rat...yep.
please don't judge...i keep a very clean home.
i remember back to my dating days and that feeling when you have broken ties with "crazy" and cannot believe he behaved so maturely just to return home from a day at work to
find he left 73 messages on my answering machine.
{i am professing my age...yep.  no cell phone-texting-voice mail}
that's how the rodent relationship seems to be working out here at cabrillo.
exterminator came-scampering in the attic over my bed at night gone.  relationship over. until...
i tried to use the central vacuum {total genius invention-google if you are confused}.
it didn't work in part of our home-the bedroom part of our home. 
so i call my friend raul and he makes a date to come checkout my vacuum.
i sheepishly explain the rodent relations i have been having.
says it happens all the time-rats like to nibble wires..  thanks raul for not judging. 
he ascends in to the attic.
 sweet broken husband returns from a walk.
i strongly instruct him to stay out of our bedroom as there is a repairman in there.
i return to the kitchen to my christmas'ing but hear sweet broken's booming voice coming from our bedroom.
i scamper back there as quick as a rat and hand signal to him to come to me.
he does and i explain he needs to stop chatting it up with raul.
you see, the problem with all his friendliness is raul assumes peter understands but often he doesn't.
he parks himself in the chair in our family room like a 3 year old in a timeout.
{i feel guilty for scolding him}
i return to my christmas'ing.
my cell phone rings.
"hello, crees?"
"yes?!"  i recognize the number as raul's.
"i am stuck in your attic.  your husband took my ladder"
holy shit! {that's in my uncensored head...}
"oh, raul, i am so, so sorry.  i will be right there."
what was sweet broken possibly thinking?
i have no idea.
dear raul.
thanks for fixing the one thing i truly want to suck in my life.
 you're the man & i appreciate your patience with sweet broken.
{and i am all about the photo op, but just thought asking raul to smile while his feet hung out of my attic was too-TOO much.