Monday, October 8, 2012


growing up, we said a prayer each night prior to dinner.
asking God to bless the food to our bodies.
this was easy-the food was right there in front of my "God believing" eyes.
the thanks came so natural because i already had the blessing-
even if it was just kraft mac & cheese or spam {yes, my mom served that}.
i have held those same hands so dearly as i ask God to heal peter.
i grasp them tight some mornings,
hoping when i say "amen" and open my "God believing" eyes-
the blessing will be right there in the palm of my hands like the mac & cheese on my dinner plate.
i realize by turning to God and asking him to "fix" it all-
i am confessing it is so broken, so beyond repair in fact, i no longer believe it can fixed
until peter goes home to be with God.
i am angry, like take all the glasses from the cabinet
and smash them into shards upon the concrete pool deck kind of anger.
i am angry doctors gave hope yet we still failed.
i am angry i can't proclaim the miracle i adamantly prayed for.

i hate to pour out my indignant heart.
i hate to admit the miracle is in knowing God in spite of the brokenness.
i hate that my "God believing" prayers of healing went unanswered.
i fear bold honesty with you and God.
i fear claiming defeat and giving up.
i fear if you only half-heartedly believe in God,
 when i give life to these words,
you will decide believing in a God that didn't heal proves He truly does not exist. 
i trust God to guide us thru this time as a family-
allowing our vulnerable, hurt selves to shine God even when peter is broken and unhealed.
i will continue those prayers of thanks
even when my "God believing" eyes cannot see the blessings in all of the broken.


  1. We didn't fail. In fact, we succeeded. We had the most precious thing we could ask for - family- taken from us little by little and yet, we believe. And it is that unfading, undying, but not unreasonably emotional belief that inspires others to look to us and see there's "something different there". Thank God for that difference.

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  3. Oh, but your story is far from over and only God sees the end. You are only human with feelings and emotions that run deep from this experience that you certainly don't want for Peter. "Let go and let God" is that simple phrase that seems so perfect now. Be still and know He is God, He is with you every step of the way and will not forsake you! Your prayers He hears this I know! And I am here too though not as mighty ;/ but love and care for you and your beautiful family.