Tuesday, September 25, 2012

not so lady like...

i got this card from a friend.
the cover is on the left & inside is on the right.
sums up lots.
and i am sure my mom is getting her ashes all fluffed up in her urn right about now.
i can hear her, "now chrissy, that is just not lady like behavior"
but i realize some days being a lady like mom wanted is overrated.
i am leaning toward raw honesty.
the odds of dementia in your fifties is like so tiny-or close to impossible.
it is almost like winning the lottery except we didn't even have to purchase a ticket.
{sorry again, mom}
family history-nope
drug use-no
chronic alcoholism-not that either
head injury/trauma-again, no
metabolic or hormone disorder-blood is perfect
brain tumor-MRIs come back showing a normal 59 year old brain
when i see God face-to-face,
is it okay to ask, "srsly God. wtf?"
He can't send me to hell
i do know that
on the quiet day when i asked Him to live in my heart.
He promised it was forever.
whether i was talking lady like or not.
p.s.  taget sells the card.
i purchased all they had here in my town. 

Thursday, September 20, 2012

here's the scoop

been kind of quiet lately.
there have been lots of tears of loss & wonder about the path ahead.
sweet peter has dementia.
we will probably not know the why of it until he passes away.
i have so wanted to write a post that said all of the medicine has healed his brain.
actually, i wanted him to write that post to prove how healthy he was.
each morning i would greet God with prayers of healing peter.
each night i would rest my head next to his, asking God to renew his mind.
i have come to the bittersweet realization God's will & mine haven't been the same.
but i want peace & continue to press on in my faith.
in my search for comfort in trying to understand His plan,
i learn i must set aside my will & embrace His.
God has a much greater plan than just me & my husband in our home in our little community.
perhaps in peter's illness & ultimately his death,
more of God's glory & love will be shown to the world by how we walk this path
as a couple & family.
one of the doctors we saw while peter was on his little getaway at the hospital
shared some godly advice with me.
he asked if there was calm in all of the medical routine i was trying to manage.
i had to admit it was extremely stressful & a touch crazy
-especially with that sweet brown eyed boy of ours.
he said God would want me to have peace
& if this routine was not creating that, perhaps it was time for a new routine.
as a family, we are embracing peace & all the things that peter loves.
ice cream-laughing as a family-watching cops-sitting on the patio watching jeremiah & the dogs-
visits with dear friends-working in our yard.
that's a routine of peace.
quarterback crunch.we purchased the entire tub.it's his fav!
stop by for a scoop when you are in the neighborhood!

Monday, September 3, 2012

a shitty weekend...

yep.  i just said that.
gotta call it like i saw {and smelled} it...and "it" was none other than shit.
like the real human poop kind of shit & lots of it.
my best guess is eight years of it.  not that i am an expert in this sort of thing.

the kind pump truck driver says every three to fours years you need to pump the septic.
it makes for a "healthy" system-i was afraid to confess to pump man that i didn't really think about our "system" beyond the flush.  how shallow am i?

the same weekend, God very BOLDLY showed us the treatment we have been praying would heal peter, is in fact destroying him.  he is done-ready to stop fighting a battle that we continue to lose ground on anyway.  that's even shittier.

yes.  there are regrets & guilt & tears, but now we can relax and live and let life unfold however God decides.  i can stop being a nurse & slip back into my peaceful role as wife.

in all of the shittiness of that last weekend, i do know God is still here-loves our family-has provided for us during this three year fight.  the unexpected shit of last weekend has drawn us closer together as a family.

now i am off to flush with wild abandon-but somewhere between the 2016 summer olympic closing ceremonies and the november presidential elections i must remember to give kind pump man a call.  he will be so proud i remembered to maintain the "health" of our system.