Thursday, July 21, 2011

cliff jumping...

"mom, why are you so brave?"...sweet brown eyes ask at the end of an adventuresome day last month.  he was referring to us cliff jumping in mexico.  i was not wearing a nike swoosh on my bikini, but i  did it anyway.  in fact, there was no hesitation...i walked to the end of the platform and dove, head first into the "cenote".  i am learning bravery isn't about calming the doubting voice screaming for my attention.  it is about taking action in spite of the voice. 

i am not sure when the "doubting voice" showed up as it has been around for most of my life.  my best guess is i traded the "voice" for my dad who simply walked out of my young little life.  i was so innocent-young-naive, i did not know i could tell the voice it was not allowed to take permanent residence in my eyes-ears-head-heart.  it has grown into a more argumentative lecturer, casting shadows on every facet of my life.  i would try screaming louder or formulating a stronger argument, but the voice always seemed to swindle away my confidence.

i am learning to dive in spite of the doubts...God's grace and goodness are my safety net.  that brown eyed boy stood at the top of the cliff, doubting he could jump into the water-questioning his bravery,  i was there in the water coaxing him to join me.  instead of listening to the "voice" and retreating back to peter, he chose to leap from the ledge and land into the cool refreshing waters. 

i am brave because i want to teach my brown eyed boy that the begrudging voice is loud but God's quiet confidence it trustworthy...but we must leap to Him.

what will be your act of bravery even with doubt cajoling for your attention?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

happy un-anniversary...

it is the little things that are worth celebrating.
july 14th, 2009...the worst day ever.
last thursday we celebrated happy un-alzheimer's anniversary!
two lime colored candles marking our progress.
isn't he just so charming...just love that man!
find something to celebrate today...and do it with cake!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

lessons learned...

a mark on a freshly painted wall, a ding in the new car door, red juice splashed on cleaned carpet.  after a few days, weeks, months you get used to the blemish, but it remains there.  reminding you life is unpredictable, mistakes or even tragedy happens.  a few years ago july somewhere between just after midnight on the 13th and before sun up on the 15th, there was a nick, score, notch dug so deep into the 14th that would change our marks two years-

and while the path has been challenging, here is what i've learned:

1.  true friends are the ones that call, walk, email, text & cry with me.  i have learned friend is a verb, not a is full of action, not just hollow words.     

2.  apologizing is hard but also necessary.  i have misspoken many times in life but there seems to be a magnifying glass that illuminates these times more now than ever before.  i have learned to say i am sorry-wrong-could you please forgive my words-behavior...again.

3.  painting a wall is not difficult...especially when you ask another female customer in the paint department of home depot for some assistance and advice.  i wish i could find her again and tell her she was right.  it was easier than i had imagined & i am glad to say i did it!

4.  my children believe and trust in God.  we have taught them-exampled for them...but it isn't until their sweet souls were held to the fire that we truly saw their deep faith in our Creator.  i am grateful to be walking with them during this time and seeing God in and thru their lives.  jeremiah has become a prayer warrior for his daddy each night praying for healing and renewed health.  amber & scoot have set aside plans and dreams to help me and popsicle.  they pray and encourage me to press on toward the goal.

5.  i can negotiate a bank loan and talk with businessmen...even when my palms are sweaty and heart is racing.  my bravery is best transferred thru email than in person. 

6.  asking for help is much easier than trying to juggle it all inside of my heart and head.  those friends {in #1} love to lend a hand, as do my precious children...and that sweet home depot customer!

7.  life moves on even when circumstances are challenging...charlie & maya were born, amber is engaged & a wedding is just around the bend, scoot finished his first year of college, jeremiah has school & sports.

8.  nurses work endlessly & carry so much of a doctor's load.  i admire all the work and care they give countless patients.

9.  somedays just lend themselves to a good cry...but then it is important to blow my nose, wipe the tears & move forward...and call ams-scoot-gwynno!

10.  i love teaching...being back in the classroom a few days a week this past year has been distracting & warms my soul...shaping those precious lives-even just for a day.

11.  i understand the value of a dollar...and so do my children.  we took God's provisions for granted.  i feel shallow admitting this but also realize it takes the "covetness" out of the dollar.  who knew i would love target clothes just as much as nordstrom!

12.  we are a family-a force to be reckoned with-a melange of callow superheros {i am working on names for each of us}.  we are stronger than i had imagined but it is only together and with God that we stand firm.

13. humor and absurdity...perhaps even borderline inappropriate behavior keep us all laughing and that is the perfect medicine!  {example:  i asked a man at the july 4th parade if i could pet his wiener {dog} after amber dared me...i did-he said yes!}  inappropriate?  yes.  hilarious?  oh, yeah.

14.  peter is an amazing man that has a cast iron tummy to withstand all of the antibiotics he ingests orally and intravenously.  he faces daily challenges with grace, humility and integrity.  i love him more today...and look forward to the glorious plan God has for him...and us!

15.  believing in God and marriage are effortless when life is easy, but when faced with challenge so much is stripped away.  it is in those naked moments you realize how much you truly love God & your partner.  saying in sickness and health on my wedding day was in sickness instead of health is much more challenging.

16.  lymes disease is a tricky pickle we find ourselves in but...we are going to beat it!  {please close your eyes and picture michael jackson with a lime green glove and a crotch grab-pelvis thrust...singing "just beat it, beat it, beat it"}

hugs & joy

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

the waiting game...

when i was five, i wanted to be six and a half and have long legs like my sister.
when i was ten, i wanted to be 12 and sport a training bra and shave my blond haired legs.
when i was 14, i wanted to be 16 so i could date boys.
when i was 18, i wanted to be 21 so i could drink...legally.
when i was 24, i wanted to be pregnant.
when i was 30, i wanted to be done with car seats.
when i was 38, i wanted another baby.
when i was 41, i wanted that baby to be ready for preschool.
when i was 45, i wanted a different answer...because the one we received dripped with ugliness.
when i was in church last sunday, i decided to stop wanting and find joy today.

i realized i have been "fellowshipping" with my challenges and not with God.  my thoughts stir up emotions causing turmoil inside my weary soul...God knows my prayers...God knows my circumstances...God knows what i am wanting.  i am finding joy in the waiting...taking my mind off of the circumstances while God solves it.

what are you wanting...find joy in today instead.