Thursday, February 24, 2011

so all of my eggs ARE in one basket...

someone famous once said...don't put all you're eggs in one basket.
i am sure it was a farmer..perhaps john deere-we love him here in our home.

but i have...all my eggs are in one basket
a beautiful basket-but just one.

it contains a practical solution for a substantial problem
it contains hope for a future
it provides grace. it provides faith.

the basket is filled and refilled each tuesday
i bake cookies-brownies-cupcakes
in exchange i get hope-faith-healing-provision

we visit the dr. on tuesdays and i bake fresh goods
it is what i am good at. it is how i can serve
those who are practically providing me with hope-faith-healing

peter receives infusions from me wednesday-monday
i am a wife-mom-friend-sister-teacher...but i am willing
i am learning how to be a nurse

my eggs are all in one basket...
but i don't carry the basket alone.

i have a God gentle and humble in heart
and he will provide rest for my soul.

p.s. the lime (lyme) green bag next to the is for the "trash" we must return to the dr. each week...the bag says "hope". will you hope with me-please do.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

mixed blessings...

december 31, 2009

i had just finished telling the kids how excited i was that a new year was just a few hours away. never before did i need a fresh start, but than the phone rang.

at the other end was my stepdad.
my mom was in icu. she had a heart attack.
she passed away peacefully on jan. 2nd.

another year plagued by sorrow...
but God is one of grace-joy-gratitude.
how is God good death?

as the year unfolded and each day was more challenging and uncertain then the day before without a mom to
encourage-love-guide me thru a season that was
already so uncertain?

but God is good..always.
in may i see my dr. for my annual physical and burst into tears.
i tell her about my mom's death
my husband being diagnosed (misdiagnosed) with alzheimer's.
she listens...truly listens...
the first dr. in a year to hear my pain and want to make a difference.
to "practice" medicine and not just diagnose within her familiar box.

after a plethora of tests...
and collecting more bodily fluids than i would like to remember-his not mine-
we get a tests results back that unravel a mystery we have been living.

lyme's the death of my mom...a miracle.
God is good...always.
death...followed by renewed hope.

i miss my mom...but her death provided me-peter-our family with a miracle.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

a slow leak...

a slow leak has been dripping inside of me. the drip drip dripping of God's word has begun to cause erode away the worldly heart at home in my body. last week helped me to see the "God growth" that has taken place within me. my prayers for the majority of my life have been a request for God to change the uncomfortable in my life. to take away-transform that which i struggled with. when i was little i prayed God would remove the bush outside my bedroom window that reminded me of an Indian that most surely would attack me while i was sleeping. silly, i know. i still go to God with very similar requests...remove this, take away that, change another. my requests always asked Him to change my circumstances so i can live more comfortably-more peacefully. after an event last week that would have normally ruffled this mama bird's feathers i realized growth-change-faith-trust in Him. this season of our Lyme's life has often brought out that Indian fearing little girl on a daily basis. but last week, i felt "God confidence" inside...knowing even in the circumstances i found myself facing, He was there. He cares. He loves me. He can and will do immeasurable more than i can imagine...i am thankful for the slow drip of God's love into my sweet baby girl soul and am full of excitement to see the beautiful work He will continue to work in and thru me...and my family during this season of Lyme's.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

dear santa…

each year we help jeremiah write a letter to santa, asking for his top three gifts. he prioritizes, adds and removes items as Christmas day gets closer. i often giggle at his fickleness and think how 60 days after Chritmas , the specific gifts will be forgotten and what lingers is the memory of making gingerbread houses as a family and cuddling under a blanket watching a Christmas movie.

i realized today that i am often giving God my Christmas list…my list of the gifts i want him to bless me with. it sounds so selfish as i write it, but i have honestly believed because i am a hard working person that has cared so dearly for my family and am just a “good Christian girl” so i expect God to fill my wish list much like jeremiah’s expectations on Christmas morning. when i journal my “list” to God, it is not from a position of thanksfulness or gratitude, but one of expectation-something i have earned or deserve. i know this is shallow and child-like. i need to approach God with a heart of thankfulness for the provisions of my day…my daily bread. i must open my heart to the gifts given and give thanks…and let go of my list of expectations.

Friday, February 11, 2011

sweetest cravings…

so my dear sweet amber and i decided to be bold this year with new years resolutions. one of our goals is no candy for the year…yep, no candy. the only caveat to this resolution are mints…they are are classified as “oral hygiene” so are acceptable. however, chocolate is forbidden…my sweetest of cravings. i have never met a piece, bar, chip or shaving of chocolate that i did not fall instantly or endlessly in love with. granted i am only 42 days into this year, but i have traveled this path without wavering. i did accidentally eat a root beer barrel after leaving lunch with none other than amber. it was an honest mistake-a slip up if i might say. the bowl sat at exit of Rock Bottom beckoning me to wash away the ahi sandwich breath i had acquired over lunch. part way back to temecula, i realized i had consumed forbidden fruit…a root beer barrel.

i know it was a mere 45 calories…two minutes of indulging a sweet craving out of 525, 948 minutes in a year. totally insignificant…or was it? this barrel of root beer sweet goodness reminds of how each of us is designed by our Maker. God created us to crave Him sweetly…to worship Him thought out every 525,948 minutes of a year. i realize how easy it is to have my attention diverted from Him. i am easily distracted-lead astray. i realize if God is not what i actively and intentionally seek, it will be something else. i was designed to crave something. if i do not fill that sweet craving with the Lord, i will be feasting on the empty calories of root beer barrels all year. what fills your sweet cravings?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

the hook

We have a new accessory in our bedroom. A silver hook screwed on the wall just to the left of my side of the bed…over the lamp. Nothing fancy-just a plain small silver hook. It represents healing. It represents sickness. It represents hope and recovery. It reminds me of the faith I have in our Healer. It reminds me of a hook a shepherd uses to guide his sheep back into their flock. It holds a bag of saline Monday-Friday along with 4 grams of antibiotics that drip into Peter’s arm. Healing him while killing the bacteria that has called his body home for many years. The doctor says it could take months for the bacteria to die off and for Peter to feel like his old self again. I have grown accustom to the hook and wonder if when we are thru this season of IV drips, will the hook remain. A visual of two things: how far we have come and to never take God and health for granted. I also want to remember…the hook is an accessory, but God is not. He is me. He fills me when I am doubtful, he loves me when I feel ugly inside, he embraces me when I am scared about the million and two “what ifs” in my life.

I am a planner and love to work out from here to having grandchildren in my head. I trusted and believed I could actually do this once upon a very immature time ago. I have learned (albeit it the hard way) that I am really not the boss of me. God is my boss. He has the BIGS and the littles worked out. My simple job is just to listen and obey Him. Sounds so simple. And easy and that best way to function but I had to get to the whole other side of myself to realize this. I have spent countless journaling pages explaining my agenda to God, I have spent countless hours chatting to him in my head explaining how and why my plans are the best way to work things. I have even thrown a few temper tampers (as Scoot called them) telling God how unfair He has been to me and that he had better get things straightened out darn quick or else! Needless to say, I remained stuck in my pitiful spot. Not because God wanted me there, but because I in some twisted way wanted to remain there.

Jeremiah 29:11 says “for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”. This explains it very simply, He know-He has a plan-he is looking out for what is best. I must let go of my knowing, my planning, my best-ing and trust Him to do His work in my life. I have tried to sweep the floor with a crawling baby under my feet. It is hard to sweep up the crumbs because the baby is in the way and keeps dragging the crumbs around. Dear God is asking me to get out of the way and stop dragging the crumbs around. He has something much more magnificent than crumbs…but I must trust and move out of the way so His work can be done in and through me.

this is the day…

it is almost 1:00 a.m. this has become my habit. waking in the early morning and struggling to find sleep again. this early morning i seek God thru prayer, His word and journaling. psalm 118:24 beckons me, “this is the day the Lord has made, rejoice in it”. so often in this season of challenge, i pray today away seeking a different spot on the path…one further ahead of where we are. my prayers beg God for a speedier recovery of peter, a healthier economy, businesses that flourish instead of struggle, and a precious boy to be more obedient. yet, His word says He made this day…today, not tomorrow or three days from tomorrow but today. living in today in spite of the circumstances and finding joy in it…He commands us to do this. i tell Him i will rejoice when peter is better, when my savings account is “full” and when i ask once and my precious boy listens the first time consistently. in this early morning moment, i get it…sort of. He desires me to rejoice in today regardless of the desires of my heart. He has created this magnificent day just for me and wants my vision shifted off of the circumstances and on to Him. it is a dare, a challenge…i must slip on my “God goggles” and find Him in the day He has prepared just for me. it reminds me of those “I Spy” books i would looked at with am & scoot-some items almost impossible to find, yet with concentration and effort the eighth sea shell or shadow of a star reveals itself. today Lord, i spy joy regardless of my circumstances.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

the starting line-

I want to write. I desire my thoughts to spill from my mind and into written word for others to see, read and feel. I want my heart to be open, exposed, honest, Godly. I hope others see my walk and understand-relate to my pain, growth, questioning, trust, lack of faith and mostly God’s warm and compassionate grace. My story is my story yet the underlying themes are relative to many. I want to be able to weave my story in such a way that others feel connected to God thru the underlying themes. I want to be a vessel that is filled with words the Lord has given me thru the trials and joys that we as a family- me as a person, wife, mommie, friend, and sister in Christ have faced these past few years. I don’t want to get hung up on finding the right word and miss His message. Lord, use me to share your words, wisdom, and most importantly your unconditional and never fading love for us as your children.

I look pretty much the same as I did a few years ago. I see a snap shot, I know and recognize the person that was captured by the camera lens, yet, that woman had no idea what she was in for. When May 2009 rolled in there was nothing really on the radar that gave me the message my life, our lives as a family was going to be rocked to it’s very core. I cannot point my finger to the exact day on the calendar when I knew there was something definitely wrong with my husband but I remember the place…diner at Harry’s, our favorite restaurant. If I had know what was to come, I would have dug in my heels and said, “no, I refuse to step over that line…we will not NOT going there” but it came on so innocently, so quietly-it snuck up on me like a bad case of stomach flu…one minute all was good-the next you are so sick emptying your entire contents out with no control and no sign of stopping.

Peter struggled with understanding the issue regarding our Amber’s college budget. I explained again. He was still confused and then irritated I would bring such issues up at dinner. He demanded I put in all on a spreadsheet for him to understand. A trip to a neurologist-psychologist-psychiatrist-family practioneer-ENT-so many doctors over so many months and finally an answer..Lyme’s disease. A minute tick found my husband at one point in his life and bit him. Infected him with a bacteria that would run wild thru his system leaving little unscathed. Dry eyes, scratchy throat, chronic skin infections on his scalp, face and trunk, sore joints in his elbows and knees, exhaustion, irritability with his family, depression, the inability to find his words and worst of all confusion and lack of short term memory. This was a man capable of running multiple businesses and managing a company of over 100. He now struggles with math and remembering the date.

I have learned over the past months, life is not as we predict or anticipate. Life can be scary…especially in the dark of night when I wake and want answers and solutions now. But I have learned more about God during this time in my life. I have learned He is faithful and a provider. I have learned He loves me and wants me to glorify Him thru this “season” and even though I do it kicking and screaming. I, like a little girl on stage for the first time, want to make Him proud. I want a stand ovation at the end of this season and have Him say I did a fine job of shining His light to others while trudging on this sometimes endless road.